Learning How to Cope, Grieve and Keep Going
The world can suddenly feel unfamiliar when someone we love dies by suicide. For family members and friends, grief may arrive alongside shock, confusion, anger, guilt, sadness and questions that may never have clear answers. There can be an overwhelming desire to understand what happened, retrace conversations, recognize signs that may have been missed, or wonder what could have been done differently. These feelings are common, and they deserve compassion.
Grief After Suicide Can Feel Different
Grief looks different from one person to another. Losing someone to suicide can bring many of the emotions associated with other forms of loss, but it can also introduce complicated feelings that are difficult to talk about.
Someone may feel devastated one moment and angry the next. They may experience guilt, relief that a loved one is no longer suffering, resentment, disbelief, loneliness, or even moments of laughter when remembering the person they lost. None of these feelings make someone a bad friend, family member or loved one. Grief doesn’t follow a schedule, and there is no single “right” way to mourn.
The Questions That Don’t Have Easy Answers
One of the hardest parts of losing someone to suicide can be the questions left behind.
- “Why didn’t I know?”
- “Could I have stopped it?”
- “Why didn’t they tell me?”
- “Was there something I should have noticed?”
These questions can become part of the grieving process. But it is important to remember that people are complex, and suicide is rarely the result of one event, or any single thing a person did or did not do.
Loved ones often look backward with information they did not have at the time. That can make the past seem clearer than it was. Being unable to prevent someone’s death does not mean you failed them.
Making Room for Your Own Grief
Family and friends sometimes feel pressure to be strong for everyone else. Parents may try to hold themselves together for their children. Siblings may feel responsible for supporting their parents. Friends may worry that talking about their own grief somehow takes attention away from the family.
But grief needs somewhere to go.
It may help to talk with someone trustworthy, write in a journal, attend a support group, create a memorial, spend time with people who understand, or simply have difficult days without judging yourself for them. There is no requirement to “move on.” Instead, many people learn to move forward over time while carrying the love and memories of the person with them.
Taking Care of Yourself While Caring for Others
After a suicide loss, ordinary tasks can feel surprisingly difficult. Eating, sleeping, working, answering messages and taking care of responsibilities may require more energy than usual. Remember that small acts of self-care matter.
Simple things can make a difference: a glass of water, something to eat, rest when it comes, a short walk, help accepted instead of waved off. Stepping away from a conversation when you need a break, or letting someone else carry a responsibility for a while, belongs on that list too.
Supporting Someone Who Is Grieving
Sometimes the people around us want to help but don’t know what to say. You don’t need to have the perfect words. Simple statements can mean a great deal:
- “I’m here with you.”
- “You don’t have to go through this alone.”
- “I remember them, too.”
- “You can talk about them with me.”
- “I don’t expect you to be okay right now.”
Often, listening is more helpful than trying to explain, fix or find meaning in the loss.
And remember that grief doesn’t disappear after the funeral or memorial service. Continue checking in weeks, months and even years later. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and other reminders can bring waves of grief long after others have stopped asking how someone is doing.
It’s Okay to Remember the Whole Person
A person should not be reduced to the way they died. They were someone’s parent, child, sibling, partner, friend, coworker, neighbor or classmate. Remembering the whole person can be an important part of healing. They had interests, memories, dreams, flaws, accomplishments, jokes, favorite places and people they loved. Share the stories that make you smile. Look at photographs, or listen to their favorite music. Cook something that they loved. Visit a meaningful place. Create a tradition in their memory.
Remembering someone doesn’t mean refusing to heal. It means making room for their memory as life continues.
Healing Doesn’t Mean Forgetting
There may come a day when you laugh again without immediately feeling guilty. There may be a morning when you realize you went several hours without thinking about the loss. There may be moments when happiness returns.
That doesn’t mean you loved the person any less. Healing is not forgetting. It is learning how to live with an absence that may always matter while gradually making room for life again. Some days will feel manageable. Other days may bring the grief rushing back unexpectedly. That doesn’t mean you’ve gone backward. Grief can come in waves, and just knowing that can help you manage the ebbs and flows better.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
If grief becomes unbearable, reaching out for professional support can be an important act of strength. A therapist, grief counselor, support group, faith leader or other trusted professional may provide a place where complicated feelings can be expressed without judgment. There are also organizations dedicated specifically to supporting people affected by suicide loss. Finding others who have experienced a similar loss can sometimes bring a powerful sense of understanding that you are not the only person who feels this way.
And if your grief ever becomes so overwhelming that you are thinking about harming yourself or feel unable to stay safe, please seek immediate help. In the United States, you can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. If you are in immediate danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency department.
Carrying Love Forward
Losing someone to suicide can change a family and a circle of friends forever. There may always be questions. There may always be difficult anniversaries and unexpected moments of sadness. But there can also be healing, connection, compassion and hope.
What are some ways to move forward?
- Honor the person we lost without blaming ourselves for what we could not control.
- Talk and remember them.
- Support one another.
And we can keep living ourselves. Because surviving the loss does not mean leaving someone behind. Sometimes, it means learning how to carry their memory with us as we continue forward.